I’ve been on this earth for about 9,319 days at the time of writing. There’s a lot of things I don’t know, and some things I only recently learned. I only got about 8 good years left before I’m in a casket, so don’t expect 35 things I didn’t know until I was 35. Without further ado, I present to you…
25 Things I Didn’t Know Until I Was 25
In no particular order of importance.
Voicemails suck. There’s a reason I didn’t answer my phone. I was probably away from it. I can see your missed call. I’ll call you back.
Avocados are fruit. Wow!
Rabbits are pointless pets. Most rodents are kinda just there. Reptiles as well. Fish, too.
Pokémon will never be real. Oh-fuckin-well.[easyazon_image align=”right” height=”160″ identifier=”B017WJY65Q” locale=”US” src=”https://onyxdefiant.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/61yS0o2BowkL.SL160.jpg” tag=”onyxdefiant-20″ width=”160″]
Fiber helps you poop better. Truly a game changer when you really want to cleanse the soul. I swallow [easyazon_link identifier=”B00BV47KYI” locale=”US” tag=”onyxdefiant-20″]these bad boys[/easyazon_link] whole to really let my body know I mean business. Ain’t no shame in my game.
My shoe size will never change. I’m stuck with these feet unless I trim em down a bit. It’s too late to bind them.
If I don’t write it down, I’ll forget it. Everything. I have to write down my middle name, otherwise, I would forget that.
Hazardous material and I don’t mix. This includes radioactive material. I will not be an X-Man, an insect-man, or anything like that. If anything you just get burns and open sores.
Junk mail makes good tinder for fires. When you have a credit score as great as mine, you get credit card offers nine times a week. The only thing that works better than credit card offers is the spam emails I get from Nigerian princes.
[easyazon_image align=”left” height=”160″ identifier=”B00V95TIGM” locale=”US” src=”https://onyxdefiant.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/51nf4sbpjsL.SL160.jpg” tag=”onyxdefiant-20″ width=”160″]People actually believe the earth is flat. A bunch of damned dipshits.
Participation trophies are great for kids. Just kidding, they’re just contributing to the pussification of the world.
It’s not human beans, it’s human beings. No kidding, I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. Have you ever seen a six-foot bean walking around?
Coming up with 25 things to write about sucks. Never again will this happen. Actually, maybe next year.
Go grab some water. You’ll need it.
People get up in arms when famous animals die. What about all the other animals? You’ll kill a spider and not flinch while munching on some Burger King double stackers. Maybe because we don’t generally eat lions and gorillas. Damn hypocrites.
I’m better at working with my hands than my feet. What the point of struggling when I have fingers and thumbs. Have you ever tried to tie your shoes after they were on with your feet? Good luck, Buck.
[easyazon_image align=”right” height=”160″ identifier=”0982293968″ locale=”US” src=”https://onyxdefiant.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/51njg7vsZ2BL.SL160.jpg” tag=”onyxdefiant-20″ width=”142″]The difference between a cow, bull, steer, and heifer. A cow is female that has a calf. A bull is used for breeding. A steer got his downstairs mix-up removed. A heifer is a female that hasn’t had a calf. They also all taste good.
Losing weight costs more money than just staying fat. Just think of the wardrobe change along with the complete diet overhaul. Also, you know what food taste the best? The best kinds. You know what food tastes the worst? The healthiest. Not worth it in most cases.
That pink stuff on your plate at sushi places is called gari. The green stuff is wasabi. The dark green stuff is seaweed. The white stuff is rice. The light green stuff can be either avocado (which is a fruit per #2) or cucumber (which is a gross vegetable unless pickled). The red stuff is probably some sort of sea life. Those wood things are chopsticks. The black soup is not soup, its soy sauce. Sushi 101 has concluded.
The rapper Ludacris got his name from the word ludicrous. Truly a modern day poet, I still don’t know how to spell ludicrous without first spelling it Ludacris. Ludicrous means ridiculous, absurd, and insane. Thanks a lot, Chris Bridges.
Drink that water.
Hot Pockets will never cook all the way through in the microwave. I don’t eat them anymore for that reason. I don’t care if you drop them in for 47 minutes, there will always be a spot that just gives you a brain freeze.
I’m going to wear the same Halloween outfit for at least the next 2 years. Once upon a time, I was given blue coveralls. That’s all I need. I go as a mechanic for Halloween. Most of the time I pull the zipper down extra low to show off my chest pubes.
Some circumcised people try to stretch their wieners to get their foreskin back. Yabba. Dabba. Do you, boo-boo. Some guys also sit down to pee.
[easyazon_image align=”left” height=”220″ identifier=”B001UHZBB0″ locale=”US” src=”https://onyxdefiant.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/31o4ZeAkoLL.jpg” tag=”onyxdefiant-20″ width=”220″]The more keys I have on my keychain, the harder it is for me to find the right key. When you see those movies and they steal the janitor’s keys and there are four hundred keys on the ring and they fumble around a lot: that’s real.
Bill Burr doesn’t always record his Monday Morning Podcast on Monday morning. One of the biggest letdowns of 2016, he sometimes records his Monday morning show on Sunday nights. That’s kinda false advertising, right? Like a veggie burger.
There is no 25. Why? Because I haven’t learned anything else yet. Fight me.
As you can see, there wasn’t a lot going on before I turned 25. Now that I’m such a refined adult, I’ve figured out some things. It’s so interesting how as time goes by we learn so much. Wow.
Big dawgs reflect and say “wow, we’ve come so far”.